When I was a bit younger, I had aspired for many great things for myself. I had goals which are both realistic and shooting-for-the-stars ones. I am hardworking and very focused when I set my sight on something, especially when it means so much to me.
For me, at least I thought, that by focusing on the goal alone and seeing to it that I give everything I could, then achieving what I was aspiring for will just come easily. My principle was simple: the goal was the goal. That was it.
Of course, not everything worked out as I planned. And this realization came as a hard blow to me. Disappointment after disappointment snowballed almost as casually as regular customers come and go at a fastfood joint. After my first major disappointment, it sort of just went downhill from there for me. My naiveté caused so much pain and sort of crushed my self-esteem and my faith. And for this reason, I had developed a very negative outlook in life for a very long time. I became dubious about everything. I became depressed and depressing around my friends and family. I became a wallower.
A brief backgrounder. My first huge aspiration was to get admitted to the University of the Philippines, Diliman. I received my official admission letter from De La Salle University first which came as a surprise since I did not exactly “do my best” during the exam because that was not my dream university. But I was ecstatic nonetheless. I thought that I really had a good chance at making it to UP.
Few weeks later, I got the letter. And it was an unfortunate one. And I was devastated. I prepared and studied so hard for that exam. I cried like it was the end of the world. I did not stop there though. I still tried very hard to at least make a transfer to UP but year after year, I still came short. I did that for 3 years but it just wasn’t working out. So I dropped that dream and stuck with De La Salle instead.
But while in college, I thought I had my calling. My desire for showbusiness was revived. So there I was again doing hardwork and staying really focused to get into the industry. I sometimes even compromised my studies. I had gone to so many auditions, some even required me to be at the site as early as 5am.
I had auditioned for several commercials. I had auditioned for a few reality shows most notably the first Survivor Philippines and a VJ search for a local TV. I did this chase for about 4 years. Well, you know what the outcome was. I mean none of you ever saw, not even a glimpse of me, on TV, did you? So there went that dream.
My employment history is just as frustrating. After graduation, I finally managed to get my first job after 9 months of actively searching. That’s 9 months! Almost a year! But still, I got really excited about it. I thought this was it. This well get my life straight — NOT. I got laid off after 5 months. I so hate my boss.
I wanted to get into showbusiness right? So I figured if I can’t be in front of the camera, might as well be behind it at least. I applied to the 3 major local networks. And after 11 months, I got a call from one of them. But unfortunately, I had to decline since I had a job then. It wasn’t easy saying no. But the company I was with that time promised me great employment opportunities. Plus I had a supervisory position which was a big deal because I was a boss. So I just can’t really let it go.
But 2 weeks (mere 2 weeks!) after that call, I was laid off ugh-gain and was given 1 day notice! Motherfucker! He had that smug, heartless look on his face when he told me the news. I swear I could have murdered that ugly asshole right there and then!
Sorry almost lost it there. Anyway, all these are just scratching the surface. I can go on and on and on about my disappointments and frustrations in life. I just don’t have enough space for that.
So after a while, I got tired of being depressed and feeling sorry for myself. I finally decided to change my approach on life. My principle is: if I want to achieve a goal, I need to stop obsessing about the end goal. I won’t make the end goal the goal. I need to keep a neutral feeling, even indifferent, towards it. Instead, all I have to do is stay focused, and by focused I mean making sure I give it everything I got and do my best all the time with every step of the way. The end goal needs to be blocked out of my sight, as if it doesn’t exist. The goal now becomes seeing to it I stay focused. The end goal merely is a bonus or reward for my hardwork.
Now this is perfectly working for me. A formula best suited for my type. I mean now, I don’t get disappointed (as much). If I don’t achieve a goal, I just shake it off and move on to another one. I avoid making long term plans. I just need to work on what I have now. Whatever opportunity is present, I just take it and just do my best. Whatever the outcome, I just need to remind myself that I did what I could. Not everything is up to me anyway so the least I can do is doing what I can do. No more obsessing about the end goal.
I made this blog because today, I just received one of the best emails I have ever gotten. It is something life-changing. I never planned for this. Not in my wildest fantasies that I could have considered doing this. But when I saw the chance, I just took it without any expectation whatsoever. As it turns out, all the transactions so far leading to where it should lead me have been smooth. It seems to go perfectly well. I just hope it continues the way it is now. I have just officially passed the hardest hurdle. There is still one hump to get through though but it is merely just a step, a formality of sort.
I’m actually very, very hopeful about this one. Of course, I still need to maintain an open mind. So we’ll see how this goes. But until then, I need to finish that Harry Potter book.